


Learn to Lose

by Fishsoop



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Blood and Injury, Lowercase, Not Beta Read, i aint a writer!! i just love goldenflower baybey!!!!, i wrote this at three a am and i dont know how, like. no editing haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishsoop/pseuds/Fishsoop
Summary: goldenflower had always been good at bottling things up, because there had always been someone more important to live for.
Relationships: Goldenflower/Tigerclaw (Warriors)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 15





	Learn to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> May have messed around with the timeline sksk? Not sure but- in this the timeline is: Lionheart dies while Golden’s preggers, Goldenflower has the kids, Tigerclaw is exiled, Swiftpaw dies, Tawnypaw leaves, Tigerstar dies. I’m not even sure if Goldenflower was alive for the great journey but take this as an AU piece. Haha i wrote this with no planning whatsoever at three am and i cant bother to check. Someone please helpf hahaha.
> 
> Anyways i love goldenflower she deserved better sksksk.

goldenflower had always been good at bottling things up, because there had always been someone more important to live for.

when lionheart is struck down in battle, goldenflower sits vigil. she mourns the loss of her brother the deputy, and wonders if his kind, stupid soul has gone to starclan. a million claws tear at her chest, but she does not let herself bleed. she tries to rid her mind of the image of lionheart’s blood-soaked golden fur. so much like her own.

she wakes up in a sort of way the next day, tears held down in her throat, fur sticking every which way, and wonders if she’s still living. why become deputy, if you never become anything? if the only thing you become is  _ dead _ ? she has never understood tigerclaw’s ambition, but she stands it. because she loves tigerclaw. because she’s carrying his kits. 

she tells herself she hates lionheart. hates him for dying, and leaving her. hates him for becoming deputy and then dying, because he’s  _ dead, _ like _ really dead, _ and she’s here with kits and frostfur and his kits and the rest of his family. he’s left so many cats behind and she  _ hates _ him and his stupid golden fur. what a brother.

tigerclaw visits her in the nursery for what very well may be the first time the next day, a proud deputy. oh how  _ wonderful _ it is, to be promoted while your predecessor’s body is still warm. he seems happy, and goldenflower thinks she might hate him, too. but he mentions the kits, and it was okay, perhaps. a deputy lost, a brother dead, but there was still tigerclaw. she forces all of her tears back, makes herself touch noses with him. 

a brother dead, a deputy gained. tigerclaw loves her, she tells herself, and she will live for them.

life goes on. for the first time in a long while, she smiles.

-

bramblekit looks just like his father and tawnykit’s smile is brighter than the sun. tigerclaw stops visiting. always busy. she tells herself that it’s the deputyship, ignores the whispers telling her that  _ lionheart _ was never too busy to make time for family. 

she tells herself she hates lionheart. she cleans the kits when their fur gets muddy. she makes herself share meals with tigerclaw. when he’s around. 

it’s alright. she’s alright.

-

the camp is filled with rouges and she is going  _ crazy _ .

-

tigerclaw is exiled for treason, and goldenflower does not cry. she sits numb in her nest, and wonders what will become of her kits. 

she had always seen it coming on some level, she supposes. ambitious tigerclaw. power-hungry tigerclaw. ...murderous tigerclaw.

tigerclaw who had shared a nest with her, who had brought prey for her and the kits. Tigerclaw, who had looked at her with such  _ love- _

goldenflower shakes the thoughts out of her head. like brambles, they filled her mind with worthless fluff and sharp thorns. 

it was tigerclaw who had plotted to kill bluestar. who attempted to do so, under the cover of rouges he himself had brought into their camp. prepared for slaughter. 

she remembers bringing down her paws heavy on a cat’s spine as her children watched from the back of the nursery. 

the fear in their eyes. 

she tells herself she hates tigerclaw, too, and ignores the frequent thoughts she has of when he was just any noble warrior.

she has noone now. no cat except for her kits look her in the eyes. 

she knows what everyone is thinking. she might hate the whole of thunderclan, but only because they are so wary of her. so really, not her fault. 

they all think she’s losing her mind. tigerclaw supporter. she thinks she’s losing her mind. 

she just spends more time with her kits. they’re the only ones. she buries herself in every little game bramblekit and tawnykit play. she speaks with longtail about swiftpaw’s warrior assessment, notes his dismal tone. 

when fireheart stares at bramblekit for too long with the same eyes the clan turns onto her, she nearly claws his ears off.

mouse-brained kittypet deputy. if he had never come to the forest, things would’ve been  _ perfect _ . 

goldenflower tells herself she hates fireheart, too. 

-

bramblekit looks so much like tigerclaw.

if fireheart hadn’t hated him first, she thinks she might. 

goldenflower tells herself she doesn’t hate bramblekit. she pulls him to her chest for another bedtime story. she plays moss-ball with him and his sister. she speaks again with longtail. notes his dismal tone. 

she considers bluestar.

she plays with the kits, and feels a purr tugging at her throat. 

and life goes on. she makes do.

-

dogs. there are dogs in the forest. there are dogs in her nightmares. there are dogs everywhere.

there are  _ dogs _ in the forest. 

there are pieces of swiftpaw. 

goldenflower sits vigil, but she doesn’t mourn. she could not. 

she hates bluestar. 

she hears dogs everywhere, all the time. mocking. tearing. killing. pack, pack. kill, kill. she understands. her claws dig into the cold, hard ground. 

there is no body to mourn in front of her.

she tells herself she hates fireheart, for not letting tigerclaw kill the senile leader when he had the chance. everything would be alright if tigerclaw had stayed. if tigerclaw had been  _ good _ .

she tells herself she hates swiftpaw. for not thinking of her. for throwing himself into the jaws of death. she hates her poor, stupid son for listening to that idiot apprentice.

lostface. suits her right. she wanted a warrior name, didn’t she?

she wishes her son hadn’t been the price.

_ pieces _ . pieces of her son.

she tells herself she hates lostface.

she sits vigil and she watches the leader’s den and she thinks of a thousand different ways to rip away undeserved lives. she wonders if the batty old rat would hear dogs in the camp.

-

in the end, she doesn’t need to do anything.

it’s beautiful. how starclan takes her revenge for her. 

dogs. drowning. she thinks she might laugh.

-

she buries her hate under bramblepaw and tawnypaw’s apprenticeships. firestar does not let the clan burn, surprisingly, and she almost feels a grudging respect for the kittypet. He mentors her son well. 

her  _ remaining _ son, dog growls dance in her ears. she pretends to ignore them. swiftpaw made his choice.

a warrior’s death. well, he got what he wanted. 

she busies herself with her youngest children’s training, and while waking up is hard on many days, she consoles herself with going on patrol with what’s left of her family. ignoring the pitiful glances. ignoring the dogs. 

she didn’t get  _ any _ pity when tigerclaw was exiled. they don’t deserve her forgiveness.

she  _ isn’t _ going crazy. 

it’s so easy to bury her sadness when she’s around her children. as the only parent they’ve got, she has to be strong for them. she is.

and while neither of them are interested in bedtime stories or moss-ball anymore, she still finds a simple joy in talking to them. she can pretend away the dogs surrounding her. she can pretend everything is alright.

she still has her youngest children. she’s fine.

-

tawnypaw is missing. tawnypaw is missing, and they can’t find her. 

but it isn’t tawnypaw. it’s swiftpaw. she hears dogs.

they had to find her. there were dogs in the forest.

she doesn’t want more  _ pieces _ . 

she doesn’t recognize that the tormented wail in camp is from  _ her _ . 

she can’t hear anything above the  _ dogs _ .

-

tawnypaw betrays them. her kit. her beautiful daughter. 

standing next to the monster she loved.

her mind is filled with dogs, growling and snapping at the  _ foxdung _ she raised. 

what a waste of prey.

what a dissapointment. 

she wishes she had never grown so attached.

she hates tawnypaw.

tawnypaw does not meet her eyes. just as well, she thinks. if goldenflower had seen her eyes, seen a living cat standing there, she thinks she would listen to the dogs.

what irony. the child that least resembled her father, running to his side like the cowardly rat she was. 

tawnypaw might not have been dead like swiftpaw, but goldenflower wished she was.

tigerclaw led the dogs into the forest. into her mind. 

and her  _ daughter- _

  
  


… that was no daughter of hers.

-

that night, goldenflower hears dogs. she feels tawny fur under her claws. she dreams of  _ bloody pieces _ and  _ pack, pack, kill, kill _ . she wakes up, and is scared to feel dissapointment. 

she pads to the apprentice den, and lays for a while close next to bramblepaw. it’s only the two of them, now. her and her only son. she muffles her ears with her paws, pretends she can’t still hear the dogs running around her head.

she wishes the shadowclan cats had killed her instead.

she curls up tighter next to bramblepaw. 

he’s all she has now.

she will live, for him.

-

tigerstar dies. it’s as unremarkable as he deserves; a flash of claws and a wicked smile and suddenly, there’s blood all over the clearing all over her everywhere everywhere and  _ she could see his internal organs bursting out now that there was nothing to hold them _

goldenflower pins her ears against her skull to stop hearing the dogs, certain that the sight of her old mate would bring them back. 

but they’ve stopped.

everyone is clamoring about the strange black kit with the toothed collar. 

she really couldn’t care less. 

she backs away, and  _ runs _ . 

she takes special care avoiding looking into tawnypaw’s eyes, though she feels the other’s burning, searing into her fur. 

she chose this. she deserved this.

if she wanted to be with her father so badly, then so be it. 

it was none of goldenflower’s business what a  _ rouge kit  _ wanted to do. 

her fur was soaked in her father’s blood.

she deserved it.

\- 

that night, sleep avoids goldenflower like the plague.

she hardly feels herself get up and walk to her kin’s graves. lionheart and swiftpaw. too soon.

she sits, looking up at the stars. 

And for the first time in a long while, 

She smiles.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. means a lot. like and subscribe  
> catch me on tumblr @nova-880 ! the askbox is always open :)


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